You are God’s Wildest dream. You probably didn’t know that. I know I didn’t. No one ever told me. Maybe they didn’t know either. I have ached most of my life with an underlying sense of my own lack. A self-hatred even. Knowing I was not good enough but fighting for a place of worth. Thinking if I worked hard enough I could prove the voice inside was wrong. I could find rest from the driving torment. And yet believing if I got too close to God He would surely expose and crush my being because He could see right through me to the nothing I really was.
But when He came close He didn’t do that at all.
When I finally came to the end of any hope in my ability to make something good of my life and invited Him into my heart, He was not the God I’d always feared. He was a God of such huge love, such personal compassion that I realized I didn’t really know Him at all. I was like one of the children of Israel following Moses into the desert. I saw God’s acts occasionally in apparently random moments but without true understanding of how He came or why. For years I tried to do the right things to make my spiritual life bigger, richer and more meaningful. To make it more hopeful. Turning teachings into formulas to get my basic needs met. Working hard to keep fear, poverty,and emptiness at a distance so there would be something hopeful, something alive in me. Something that looked and felt like God.
I knew at the core of my being that He was real. That He was awe inspiring. That He was beautiful. Creation had always spoken His name & reality to me. One day in all my brokenness, from a place of incredible fear and pain, I invited Him in to work in the dark places of my heart. The areas that resisted Him, that did not trust Him. I asked Him to come and bring His light and life to me.
What an incredible journey it’s been. As I opened my heart to Him, He opened His heart to me. And it is true, all His thoughts are good. All His thoughts toward me are healing, love, joy and delight. He created the earth and all it’s wondrous beauty for me. For you. For us. It was for Him to have a place to walk with us and share His great Father heart with His kids. For us to explore. To discover. To learn of Him and to learn of ourselves. To dream. To build. To create and to play.
He valued us so much–each one of us with our unique fingerprints and personalities, in all our quirkiness—that He literally redeemed us by choosing to die rather than not be able to meet with us heart to heart. Jesus took all that I am not, all lack in me, all driven pain, all tormented failings , so that I and you could be all that Father God dreamed us to be. He gave his life to free all that He knew was within us. To remove all barriers between us and Himself so we would know the powerful love that gives us life rich and glorious. We are God’s intention. The biggest dream He ever had. The one He gave His all to, so He could bring us close to Him. We delight Him. Every single one of us.
There is no one right way of walking with Him. Once we invite Him inside our hearts, there is no formula. He addresses us with His Father heart right to the place of wounding that needs love and healing most. He knows this place best because He knows us so intimately. Better than we know ourselves. His touch is gentle. He breath is soft and filled with the healing power of heaven. He comes to meet with us.
Jesus is the perfect model of what walking with the Father looks like. His response was always doing only what the Father asked Him to do. And He obeyed perfectly. Everyone who came was healed–people with big faith. People with little faith. Every hungry person was filled. People were healed in all manner of ways. By touching His clothes. By a word He spoke. By a smearing of His spit and mud. Jesus said that anyone who had seen Him had seen the Father. His compassion and miracles expressed the heart of our Heavenly Father and showed us the kind of intimate relationship God wanted with each one of us.
God is after our hearts. Longing to walk with us. To have conversations with us. He suffered and died for that opportunity. We are so valuable to Him. We have the highest worth of anything on the planet to our Creator, Father, God. Each unique one of us. We are God’s wildest dream. You are God’s Wildest Dream. He’s hungry to hear your voice today. I encourage you to go say, “hi”. For some of us, He’s been waiting an awfully long time.
I have often thought I should wear a button that says, “Does not play well with others,” just to warn people there’s a cranky introvert coming their way. It’s not that I don’t want to play well, it’s just that I don’t see how to and when I do, it feels a bit like chasing a moving target. People have always been an enigma to me. Random. Dangerous. Like they will reach right out and thump you for apparently no good reason. My experience has been they will easily abandon you in the middle of a journey, in an unknown land, where you came at their invitation and expected to go on with them. They will walk off without looking back. They will call themselves a friend, but walk away during the first storm.
I do it too. I am doing it right now. Walking away from the messy struggle that is in nearly every family relationship I have. Spiritual family, too. Perhaps it is the family tie that brings an added challenge. Maybe I expect more from the people I think should love me. Even saying, ‘should love me,” proves my point.
I see how we must be a messy bunch for Jesus, too. How does He love perfectly and keep loving when we are, when I am, so elusive, capricious or erratic?
Focus matters. In the midst of my relationship anxiety, He comes to remind me to worship, to seek, to stop looking at what is or is not in someone else. To stop reaching for perfect love from people and look to Him, the source, the one true lover of my soul. And the one true lover of their souls, too. He cares for us so much. It’s bewildering to recognize the value He places on us.
He calls me again to seek, to wait, to pour out that which troubles me and rest with Him. He calls me to come and talk about the good things in my friends and Christian siblings. To talk about the gifts they have and the truth they are learning. He speaks to me of the unique expression of His beauty that is in them. He speaks of not touching, but handling gently, the work He is doing in their hearts as I contemplate just walking up and thumping them for what I don’t like, for what hurts me. …And I see I am one of them, the dangerous, random people that I can’t get along with. Sigh. The path of healing and life sometimes goes in a circle leading me back to my own heart.
As believers, we were not taught to look into the past. To squint our eyes and focus through the mist at the untended garden. As a young person my goal was to climb the wall and escape the constraints. There were people who believed in my potential but no one who nurtured it. There was a molding instead, of thought and of action, resulting in shame, fear and then anger at the world for being a mean place. Determination to find a peaceful, hopeful place drove me to climb the garden wall and escape.
By the time I was 13, I worked after school and on weekends. When I was 16, I bought my own car. The beginning of my senior year in high school, on the day I turned 18, I moved into my own apartment and did not look back for 20 years.
My path to intimacy with God was a bumpy one. A deep longing for love drove me to places I wish I had never gone. I had no understanding of acceptance or even a belief that I could be accepted because it died, crushed when I was in grade school. It was pinched off at the root by a friend who asked me why I was trying to please everyone. At the age of 12, I listened to my best buddy explain that in life you could never make even one person satisfied by your actions. And if you could manage to do every single thing for one person, that person would still not be happy with you. There would always be something more they would want. It would become a life of watching just one other person to see how to act, to dress, to play, to work…and in the end I would never know me, only them. Being accepted meant being manipulated by someone else’s expectations, so I left it behind.
I built high walls around my heart from a belief that there could be no relationships without extreme demands upon my identity. Though I did not have a clue who I was, I was convinced I would never find out by listening to others slap my every dream into place. My understanding of the power of vulnerability and the essential need for belonging is a fairly recent paradigm shift…which has led me to this backwards walk climbing the old garden wall looking for what is alive but dark that must be pulled out and what is frail but beautiful that must be nurtured for my heart to finally experience truth and beauty.
This garden of my heart is the place of my uniqueness. A place where Jesus has come in. A place where the Holy Spirit of God is helping me nurture, grow, and weed so that I may become that which I am.
Jesus is the only person, the only God, who when we look fully into His face, we see ourselves as we are completely born to be. We are reflected through His perfect love wholly accepted, touched by the beauty of the Divine, empowered to fill the true, unique space that is our own.